What do you want to be when you grow up?

Can you think of the first time that someone asked you “what do you want to be when you grow up”?

As kids we always answered based on what fascinated us at the moment. It was always something really cool like  astronauts, firefighters, actors, pilots, and superheros. When did the switch from doing something that we loved to doing something because we had to happen?

I can remember being a senior in high school sitting through numerous conversations with teachers, parents and friends all expressing this urgency to have your whole life figured out by the time you walk across the stage to accept your diploma. But let’s face the facts here. How are we expected to know what we want to be when we grow up when we have no actual real life experience. We spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week in a classroom with cement walls, text books from before we were born and an instructor who tells us the facts as they are. After spending all day sitting behind a desk we then get shuttled off to numerous extra curricular activities leaving a 30 min gap in the evening to eat dinner while rushing from one thing to the next and finishing the night with a pile of homework before going to bed to do it all over again the next day. Are we happy? Maybe. But if the answer is no, then why do we continue to do it? Don’t get me wrong, while I was not the perfect student I worked hard. Ever since I can remember I was always working towards this great goal of getting into a good college so that one day I would graduate and be able to make a good living. While I completely understand why those around us want us to succeed, why does there always seem to be a running clock on success?

With senior year came the endless social media posts with college commitment announcements as friends shared with excitement where they planned to spend their next four years.  I remember feeling so out of the loop. Everyone was so excited to begin this new chapter of their lives, but I had hardly the smallest clue what that meant for me. I did not know what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I did not know where I wanted to go. I was surrounded by this culture that looked down upon those who chose not to go to college right after high school. So how was I supposed to tell those I love that I had no answers to the questions that they all wanted to know?

Coming to terms with the fact that I was not ready for college was by far one of the hardest things I ever had to share. I felt ashamed and like those around me would view me as a failure. Looking back I wish I could tell 17 year old Caitlin what I know now. I wish I could share with her that these next 2 years will bring so much happiness and growth. That speaking up for yourself and admitting that you don’t have all of the answers is NOT a bad thing!  That when you stop doing what is expected of you and start doing what makes you feel whole, life will show you the path you are meant to take. So stop caring what those around you think and start doing what you feel to be right.

So what have I been doing these past two years?

What ever felt right.

Because every day that I do what I love brings me one step closer to answering the big question. What do you want to be when you grow up?